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You Got A Friend In Me

Need some advice? Good, you’re in the right place. Ask your question, no matter how repugnant, utterly shameless, and generally stupid it is – I want to help. If I’ve had enough fiber in the morning I’ll do my best to be all sagely, but it’s a risk on your end. I am 100% not qualified, for like anything.

Speaking of risks in your end, do you keep getting things stuck in your butt? You should use things with a flange at the base so you can pull it out. The reason being that you have a sphincter that squeezes tight to keep things from getting out, like a slobbery dog that won’t let go of a chew toy. Use something that specifically is meant to go spelunking in your Hersey cavern. Just ask any emergency room staff about the ass box full of random items with no flanged base. Don’t be that person that has to go to the ER (and mortgage their home on the medical bills) just so some poor nurse can pull Buzz Lightyear out of your soft serve dispenser. Do not put a friend in you…that you can’t pull out again. I’m not a medical professional, ask your doctor before sticking things in your butt.

Having trouble fitting copper pipes while doing some DIY plumbing? Well, you should heat them first and then fit them together, makes a tighter coupling and seal. There are lots of videos floating around about laying pipe.

Not sure what to major in college? Engineering. Full stop, everyone else is wrong if they say otherwise. Specifically electrical engineering or software engineering will provide you with a good life. We are getting more digital by the second and there aren’t enough good engineers to hire to meet the demand. It is easier to pursue your passion when you can afford food, retirement, a family, and two-ply toilet paper. That isn’t to say you can’t be on House Hunters and look for a 3 million dollar crib as a artisan crouton maker, but be prepared to hustle and work your ass off to make that happen. If you don’t believe me, you’re probably better off selling pictures of things stuck in your butt.

By all means, drop me a question and if it is a good one I’ll post the question and answer on my blog.

Being Anti

Don’t be someone that is only anti things. You need to be for something, have some interests.

I think this is something that plagues my generation and I see it extending to the younger generations – albeit in different ways. I think we sort of picked up some inherited cynicism from our parents, and then it festered as the world turned out to not be what we were told it was. On my 3rd once-in-a-lifetime financial crisis and probably more to go! Wheeeee! Then again, the world never is what you’re told it is. Everybody is pretty much making it up as they go. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “if you don’t go to college you’ll end up being a trash man” throughout my young life. I think about it now, that is a steady stable job with benefits that pays pretty decent.

If you are just against things and never really become for/interested in something then you probably feel empty and a bit like a boat without a motor/sail… or a plastic bag (WTF does that even mean?). Possibly, and hear me out, someone that life motorboats and you are legit not having a good time. Life should ask for consent first, but it doesn’t care. People without interests and goals get used by people with interest and goals. You can take that golden turd to the bank.

Being anti was something I struggled with earlier in my life. I wanted to be a pilot growing up, then I was told that pilots crash and I would certainly die. I loved reading as a kid, only to be told that I was wasting my youth and missing out on life. I became obsessed with music early on, only to be called gay or weird for liking various bands/music styles (I had a giant crush on Ginger spice growing up). It seemed anything I enjoyed or was interested in was a problem. After a few years of this, during my more formative time, I became apathetic, or as people around me said, “laid back.” Nothing really mattered, it just is, man. Only the quick feedback and instant gratification mattered. Who the hell cares about the ACT test, I have parties to go to and girls to hit on! What did it matter, I grew up in a poor rural area, most people didn’t leave. Fuck it.

I got into the real world and quickly discovered that the world does not give two shits about you or what you want. The apathy probably looked like a distorted glistening shield around me. I went to work, because I had to, came home and did nothing. Nothing mattered. I wanted to be a video game designer, then to be told “well game designers work a bajillion hours a week and barely make more than a teacher.” I’ll just drink, hang out with friends, and play video games.

Slowly overtime I relearned how to enjoy things, how to try, and most importantly ignore the cynicism and “anti” mindset. This is part because the internet made it easy for me to connect to other folks, but also because it allowed me to find new information that wasn’t readily available in pre-internet rural America. I started talking to folks that enjoyed solving complex problems (engineers), that were interested in investing, starting businesses, brewing beer (my first level 30+ subclass), traveling, woodworking, etc. After some time when I said I enjoyed [insert thing] and some one replied with “oh that is expensive and a waste of time” I could just reply with, “Well I enjoy it and find it rewarding.” And I genuinely meant it. The conversation usually moved on, but sometimes – sometimes, that person would ask me more questions. After while I realized I made a new friend. That this person went from “eh, no” to “well, maybe” and used my enthusiasm to fuel their initial spark.

People need things to focus on, to put energy into and feel rewarded with. Has someone ever talked with great passion about something that you probably didn’t care about, and you conveyed how lame/silly that thing is? You’re an asshole. A pox upon your genitals! May the furniture in your house always move three inches left or right so you stub your toes!

I’m sure you’ve met people like this. The best I can liken it to is the scene in Hitch where Allegra Cole is talking to the two food snobs, and they find everything disgusting. Hey, they found community in not liking things, but being out right anti anything, especially if someone is interested in something, is super douchey. Like frosted tips, puka necklace, two or more popped collars, and living a consequence free Hamptons-on-the-weekend-life douchey. Enjoying things for the simple reason to shit on them or other people, or not caring to be cool, is devoid of meaning. Teenagers get a pass on this to some extent, because they are always too cool. I got “OK, Boomer”-ed recently because I like brewing beer, and beer is for old people. I’m not a boomer, or remotely close to being a boomer. It was weird. Damn kids.

You, as a human being, need interests. You need something to put your mental energy into that you enjoy and get satisfaction out of. I don’t mean work, I don’t mean kids. You need a hobby, you need something to get those creative juices flowing in all their pulpy glory. You like making fecal Jackson Pollock paintings, that is not my bag but do your thing… in your own house. Please use eye protection, you don’t want double-barrel pink-eye. You like making butter sculptures, get down with your bad self.

Life is hard and can suck. Going through life in all of the ups and downs is really miserable. One of the few things that can really help keep you floating above the shit, give you some energy to keep going the next day, is to find something you can invest yourself into. Don’t just lean into being against things and don’t let your personality become anti effort and cynicism, find something that means something to you that gets you excited and happy. Be for something.

It’s just not any of your business…

Got that friend of a friend that you’ve hung out with a few times when you kick it with your mutual friend, but your friend’s friend gives you platitudes and empty gestures about hanging out just you two? EVEN when you tempt them with the sweet siren song of crispy chicken or endless sushi rolls? What about a coworker that seems really interesting, you have similar interests and you both agree that Becky from HR IS THE GOD DAMN WORSE, but never wants to go to lunch. Does it really eat away at you? You just can’t figure it out.

Why don’t they like you? Did you do something or say something wrong? Maybe, but probably not. Here is a piece of advice that is going to save you a lot of time and frustration.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. Doesn’t matter what you do or say. That is okay. Unless you chew with your mouth open. As Shepard Book would say there is a special level of hell for you. On top of that if you SMACK your lips I hope you get run over by a dumpster fire leaking mysterious trash juice on you as you get pancaked, then a cockroach lays eggs in your ears.

In fact, it isn’t your business what people think of you. There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond takes offense to some radio personality not liking him, so he confronts him. Pure Colombian cut narcissism. Everybody has varying experiences in life that make us unique. You know, unique like everybody else. You and other people are going to be on the opposite sides of things, not just ideology but perspectives and experiences. People are going to hate things you enjoy, and vice versa. That’s okay.

Don’t mistake not liking you for hating you. These are separate things. Look at this as a way to shrug off some sticky social film and embrace yourself and be the best version of you. Knowing that not everyone is going to like or appreciate you sets you up to just lean into being your best self. If you can

Being authentic and genuine around people will get your further in life than trying to make sure everyone likes you. It is better to be hated for being yourself than loved for someone you aren’t. Which I think is why so many celebrities have similar issues (armchair expertise over here), doing the entire pony show as someone they aren’t so they can get the next record deal or movie role. Ever notice how every producer/writer/director is the best they’ve worked with? That shit is annoying, but it’s the business I guess. Better to not say anything than say something rude or mean.

Now, just because people don’t like you ALSO doesn’t mean they don’t have a reason. You could just be an asshole. Here is an example, do you make jokes to purposefully make people uncomfortable? Do you decide if what you said is a joke or not based on how people react? Are you not really for anything, just anti things? You’re an asshole. Either way, whether someone just doesn’t like you, or you’re an asshole and don’t realize it. It’s worth doing some self reflection now and then and making that determination.

The people the closest to you, that you spend the most time around, they are probably worth caring what they think, and if you don’t care what they think…..then why are you around them? You want tread the middle here, going too far either direction smells of neurosis and narcissism.

You have to live with yourself the most, so you might as well love yourself. You should love the person you are and be free of artificial social restraints to cultivate what is in your heart of hearts. It just isn’t your business what others think of you, so embrace that freedom to do you, boo-boo. Self reflect from time to time to make sure you haven’t gone to far the other direction and end up being an insufferable ass clown.

Learning is the most valuable skill you can possess

Learning is a skill that will serve you in life no matter your career, passion, or background. Whether you are just solving the problem in front of you (MY TODDLER FLUSHED A UNICORN AND NOW MY TOILET WON’T STOP OVERFLOWING) or looking for enrichment in your personal/professional life, developing and cultivating the ability to learn will often be what separates you from success or failure in life. Your mind stays open to possibilities and places you in position that there is always more to know. The world doesn’t seem as closed off and instead full of potential. It brings some amount of humility, cut with the dichotomy of some amount of ego that says, “Yes, you can do this.”

Don’t misunderstand me, you have to learn how to learn. Pushing through imposter syndrome is no easy feat. It’s like being blind, walking through a cave, naked, and feeling like there are eyes on you. The magic sauce comes in pushing through that feeling of self doubt, frustration, and failure. Eventually, if you keep trying and learning from your mistakes (and learning from other’s mistakes) you CAN do the thing.

When you learn something new and solve a problem (tangible or intangible) you grow as a person, develop new tools for your proverbial tool belt, feel a sense of accomplishment, and not to mention that sweet dopamine hit of completing a task. Learning means getting shit done. In a world where it isn’t what have you done for me, but what have you done for me lately, that means opening doors.

I am an engineer by trade and my job is to solve problems. Specifically difficult problems that require a constant effort to stay current in an ever-changing landscape of complex software demands and quirks. You might be surprised to hear that a large portion of my day involves reading documentation on how to use various software tools or functions. Picture a professional plumber reading the instruction manual on how to install a toilet, exposed ass crack and all, in your bathroom with tools and parts spread all around. That image isn’t too far off from the truth of my job. It is like that for everyone in my field, at least the good ones.

A few months ago I had a conversation with the facilities manager for my company. He mentioned that he never really developed any professional skills. I essentially had the same conversation with him as I wrote above. Learning is a skill, and in my opinion the most important skill. The decisions and effort in learning to solve problems he made throughout life lead him to his current job – a job I want to point out that people take for granted. He mentioned that his father instilled in him at an early age that anything worth doing is worth learning and doing right. I’ve seen this guy fix lighting fixtures, wall damage, parking lot deterioration, etc at a professional level. Truly this man can do anything. This guy has never let not knowing be the reason a problem didn’t get solved or solved well. He honed his ability to learn, try, fail, and repeat until he didn’t fail.

If you take anything away from this let it be that every pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself and try hard enough.

Where to find your inspiration

That rapper from your hometown, that for some reason you’re still Facebook friends with, keeps posting these succinct soul lifting nuggets of regurgitated mediocrity; but those motivational words ring sooo true! He is totally going to make it, big things lie (lay?) ahead. Just ask your other Facebook friend that continuously slings dreams marinated in some get rich multilevel marketing nonsense. She is living her best life, one sale at a time. Just send her money to get the buy-in for your better than now. You SHOULD follow your dreams, ignore the haters, and keep grinding that sweet Little Caesars gig, not saving a dime of your mortgaged life’s labor and instead investing in dog clothes and pay to win mobile games. Remember that a motivational post’s likes are directly correlated to how true and motivating it is.

In all seriousness, inspiration and motivation are overrated. Dedication, perseverance, and discipline will get you much further in life. Even if someone keeps posting stupid motivational memes all day, if they are actually putting in the work for a goal and learning from their mistakes, something beautiful will probably happen. I just caution you to ignore people putting only their best lies forward, and exercise some basic truths and discretion. You want to be a millionaire? I suggest you invest in an IRA and get yourself right for retirement. Want to be a millionaire sooner: improve your skills to get a better job, find a side hustle, save as much as you can, spend as little as possible, rinse and repeat. If you want to take up/learn anything, then practice and practice more. Even when you don’t want to. Luck looks a lot like opportunity that you took advantage of with the work you did before hand, and hard work beats out talent 99% of the time. Don’t get trapped in social media’s dopamine cycle with people putting a curated facade in front of you.