Category: what others think

Being Anti

Don’t be someone that is only anti things. You need to be for something, have some interests.

I think this is something that plagues my generation and I see it extending to the younger generations – albeit in different ways. I think we sort of picked up some inherited cynicism from our parents, and then it festered as the world turned out to not be what we were told it was. On my 3rd once-in-a-lifetime financial crisis and probably more to go! Wheeeee! Then again, the world never is what you’re told it is. Everybody is pretty much making it up as they go. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard “if you don’t go to college you’ll end up being a trash man” throughout my young life. I think about it now, that is a steady stable job with benefits that pays pretty decent.

If you are just against things and never really become for/interested in something then you probably feel empty and a bit like a boat without a motor/sail… or a plastic bag (WTF does that even mean?). Possibly, and hear me out, someone that life motorboats and you are legit not having a good time. Life should ask for consent first, but it doesn’t care. People without interests and goals get used by people with interest and goals. You can take that golden turd to the bank.

Being anti was something I struggled with earlier in my life. I wanted to be a pilot growing up, then I was told that pilots crash and I would certainly die. I loved reading as a kid, only to be told that I was wasting my youth and missing out on life. I became obsessed with music early on, only to be called gay or weird for liking various bands/music styles (I had a giant crush on Ginger spice growing up). It seemed anything I enjoyed or was interested in was a problem. After a few years of this, during my more formative time, I became apathetic, or as people around me said, “laid back.” Nothing really mattered, it just is, man. Only the quick feedback and instant gratification mattered. Who the hell cares about the ACT test, I have parties to go to and girls to hit on! What did it matter, I grew up in a poor rural area, most people didn’t leave. Fuck it.

I got into the real world and quickly discovered that the world does not give two shits about you or what you want. The apathy probably looked like a distorted glistening shield around me. I went to work, because I had to, came home and did nothing. Nothing mattered. I wanted to be a video game designer, then to be told “well game designers work a bajillion hours a week and barely make more than a teacher.” I’ll just drink, hang out with friends, and play video games.

Slowly overtime I relearned how to enjoy things, how to try, and most importantly ignore the cynicism and “anti” mindset. This is part because the internet made it easy for me to connect to other folks, but also because it allowed me to find new information that wasn’t readily available in pre-internet rural America. I started talking to folks that enjoyed solving complex problems (engineers), that were interested in investing, starting businesses, brewing beer (my first level 30+ subclass), traveling, woodworking, etc. After some time when I said I enjoyed [insert thing] and some one replied with “oh that is expensive and a waste of time” I could just reply with, “Well I enjoy it and find it rewarding.” And I genuinely meant it. The conversation usually moved on, but sometimes – sometimes, that person would ask me more questions. After while I realized I made a new friend. That this person went from “eh, no” to “well, maybe” and used my enthusiasm to fuel their initial spark.

People need things to focus on, to put energy into and feel rewarded with. Has someone ever talked with great passion about something that you probably didn’t care about, and you conveyed how lame/silly that thing is? You’re an asshole. A pox upon your genitals! May the furniture in your house always move three inches left or right so you stub your toes!

I’m sure you’ve met people like this. The best I can liken it to is the scene in Hitch where Allegra Cole is talking to the two food snobs, and they find everything disgusting. Hey, they found community in not liking things, but being out right anti anything, especially if someone is interested in something, is super douchey. Like frosted tips, puka necklace, two or more popped collars, and living a consequence free Hamptons-on-the-weekend-life douchey. Enjoying things for the simple reason to shit on them or other people, or not caring to be cool, is devoid of meaning. Teenagers get a pass on this to some extent, because they are always too cool. I got “OK, Boomer”-ed recently because I like brewing beer, and beer is for old people. I’m not a boomer, or remotely close to being a boomer. It was weird. Damn kids.

You, as a human being, need interests. You need something to put your mental energy into that you enjoy and get satisfaction out of. I don’t mean work, I don’t mean kids. You need a hobby, you need something to get those creative juices flowing in all their pulpy glory. You like making fecal Jackson Pollock paintings, that is not my bag but do your thing… in your own house. Please use eye protection, you don’t want double-barrel pink-eye. You like making butter sculptures, get down with your bad self.

Life is hard and can suck. Going through life in all of the ups and downs is really miserable. One of the few things that can really help keep you floating above the shit, give you some energy to keep going the next day, is to find something you can invest yourself into. Don’t just lean into being against things and don’t let your personality become anti effort and cynicism, find something that means something to you that gets you excited and happy. Be for something.

It’s just not any of your business…

Got that friend of a friend that you’ve hung out with a few times when you kick it with your mutual friend, but your friend’s friend gives you platitudes and empty gestures about hanging out just you two? EVEN when you tempt them with the sweet siren song of crispy chicken or endless sushi rolls? What about a coworker that seems really interesting, you have similar interests and you both agree that Becky from HR IS THE GOD DAMN WORSE, but never wants to go to lunch. Does it really eat away at you? You just can’t figure it out.

Why don’t they like you? Did you do something or say something wrong? Maybe, but probably not. Here is a piece of advice that is going to save you a lot of time and frustration.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. Doesn’t matter what you do or say. That is okay. Unless you chew with your mouth open. As Shepard Book would say there is a special level of hell for you. On top of that if you SMACK your lips I hope you get run over by a dumpster fire leaking mysterious trash juice on you as you get pancaked, then a cockroach lays eggs in your ears.

In fact, it isn’t your business what people think of you. There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Raymond takes offense to some radio personality not liking him, so he confronts him. Pure Colombian cut narcissism. Everybody has varying experiences in life that make us unique. You know, unique like everybody else. You and other people are going to be on the opposite sides of things, not just ideology but perspectives and experiences. People are going to hate things you enjoy, and vice versa. That’s okay.

Don’t mistake not liking you for hating you. These are separate things. Look at this as a way to shrug off some sticky social film and embrace yourself and be the best version of you. Knowing that not everyone is going to like or appreciate you sets you up to just lean into being your best self. If you can

Being authentic and genuine around people will get your further in life than trying to make sure everyone likes you. It is better to be hated for being yourself than loved for someone you aren’t. Which I think is why so many celebrities have similar issues (armchair expertise over here), doing the entire pony show as someone they aren’t so they can get the next record deal or movie role. Ever notice how every producer/writer/director is the best they’ve worked with? That shit is annoying, but it’s the business I guess. Better to not say anything than say something rude or mean.

Now, just because people don’t like you ALSO doesn’t mean they don’t have a reason. You could just be an asshole. Here is an example, do you make jokes to purposefully make people uncomfortable? Do you decide if what you said is a joke or not based on how people react? Are you not really for anything, just anti things? You’re an asshole. Either way, whether someone just doesn’t like you, or you’re an asshole and don’t realize it. It’s worth doing some self reflection now and then and making that determination.

The people the closest to you, that you spend the most time around, they are probably worth caring what they think, and if you don’t care what they think…..then why are you around them? You want tread the middle here, going too far either direction smells of neurosis and narcissism.

You have to live with yourself the most, so you might as well love yourself. You should love the person you are and be free of artificial social restraints to cultivate what is in your heart of hearts. It just isn’t your business what others think of you, so embrace that freedom to do you, boo-boo. Self reflect from time to time to make sure you haven’t gone to far the other direction and end up being an insufferable ass clown.